Why We Deserve Better Than Alan Green
The BBC’s veteran radio commentator Alan Green has been at it again, this time insisting on Graham Taylor’s removal as co-commentator for the recent England vs Croatia match. Mark Murphy wonders aloud whether it is time to put Green out to pasture.
BBC Radio Five Live’s Alan Green has been at it again, having a spat with a fellow co-commentator and demanding his removal. While the BBC has been at it again, acceding to Green’s every wish. Why? This piece is unlikely to win any awards for originality. Articles about Alan Green’s favourite football commentator appear tend to turn up with the regularity of London buses. His supporters praise his ‘special’ talents, one of which is his ability to start an argument in an otherwise empty room, another of which is is to have more words written about him than he says himself, some achievement for a man who makes a living talking for chunks of twenty two & a half minutes plus stoppage time in one go, but amongst all the verbiage he inspires, only rarely does the telling phrase appear: “Alan Green is not a very good radio football commentator” .
His latest spat came during the otherwise non-event of a Slovenia friendly. He said something along the lines of participants in the Mexican wave “should be shot” – a bit extreme and, for a national radio commentator, a bit of a stupid thing to say. Colleague Graham Taylor said, in a jocular fashion (and possibly inadvertently echoing the thoughts of a good proportion of his listeners), “You do say some stupid things sometimes, Alan”. It was reported that Green warned Taylor, off-air (something along the lines of “Don’t call me, stupid.”) and, for the altogether more important match against Croatia, listeners ended up with Chris Waddle as the co-commentator.
But why demote Taylor? Why, every time Alan Green says “jump” does the BBC ask “how high”? This is far from the first time Green has been indulged by his nominal bosses. In 2004, Green was censured by the media watchdog Ofcom for a crude racial stereotyping of Manchester United’s Eric Djemba-Djemba which the BBC labelled “irreverent banter” while highlighting Green as a “campaigning anti-racist”. This comment may have surprised those who heard Green utter the immortal words: “Number 17 – that’ll be the Chicken Chow Mein, then” in reference to Chinese defender Sun Jihai” only a few months previously.
It was crude regional stereotyping next up, when he pondered aloud if film star Sylvester Stallone would have bricks instead of wheels on the limousine he had parked outside Goodison Park while he watched Everton play Reading a couple of seasons ago. At a stretch – and we’re possibly being kinder to Green than he deserves here – we could put criticism of these comments down to over-sensitivity or a manifestation of some anti-Green agenda. After all, the bricks instead of wheels gag appeared on “Have I Got News For You” soon afterwards without attracting anything like such opprobrium.
The match between Everton and Reading contained a prime example of Green’s downright unprofessionalism. After a lifeless first quarter to the game, Green took the microphone and said: “Got any paint?” before taking nearly two minutes to set up the obvious “I’d rather watch it dry” gag. In itself, little more than irritating, except that Reading went one-up in the meantime, and we had to rely on the summariser to describe Joleon Lescott’s inadvertent contribution to Reading’s cause. Similar scenarios seem to play out quite a lot when Green is at the microphone. “What happened there?” could easily be his catchphrase – and not in a rhetorical, Fred Trueman “I don’t understand what’s going off out there” sense, which relatively endeared him to cricket followers.
So bad, is Green, the joke goes, that he has to ask Graham Taylor what’s going on, although it is a line that relies on the misleading “Do I not like that” and “can we not knock it?” image of Taylor from his unhappy days as England manager – Taylor is an accomplished pundit who knows exactly what is going on. The same is also said to apply to Jimmy Armfield, who is frequently called upon to explain to the listener what has just passed Green by. Even Mark Lawrenson, otherwise apparently employed solely to laugh at Green’s jokes, has to fill in the blanks from time-to-time.
Green was in full “what happened there?” mode when Manchester United tried a trick corner move against Chelsea at Old Trafford last season. At first, he was joined by most everyone else; not least Chelsea’s back four. But even as he returned to commentary for his second-half stint, he continued to profess ignorance, despite his co-commentator’s patient explanation of this new ‘trick.’ It almost felt as if he’d been so wrapped up in himself that he didn’t care to listen to anyone else.
More serious misdemeanours have also gone unsanctioned. While other journalists covering England’s Wembley encounter with Kazakhstan last year were there to cover Friday’s pre-match preparations, Green was allowed to travel to the game on the Saturday, not feeling the need for such trivialities as research. As a result of being exempt from what was a requirement for other BBC personnel, Green missed the first half, because his plane had been held up in fog, but went unpunished for this apparent unprofessionalism. It is, ultimately, not acceptable for someone that is at the top of their profession (and handsomely rewarded for being so) to be forty-five minutes late for work.
Why, then, does he continue to be indulged? Apparently, it is because he is so controversial and outspoken. A refreshing, unpredictable voice among the bland leading the bland. He is “not afraid to tell it like it is”, and he provokes debate. Much of that was once true, but little of it remains so. Accusing referees of trying to be the centre of attention is less controversial than ironic given much of Green’s schtick, and the same old “isn’t this dreadful?” comments ceased to be “refreshing” and “unpredictable” some years ago. While he may provoke the debate, he ultimately provokes as many people to turn the BBC off as tune in especially, and the “bland” who lead the “bland”, one suspects, wouldn’t be given the leeway that Green frequently seems to be given.
As I said at the start of this piece, there’s nothing original about criticising Green, but that’s no reason to shy away from the task. Alan Green is very well paid to do his job, and in a highly competitive media environment, an environment which is currently subject to stultifying budgetary limitations, the continued employment of someone as self-centred and incompetent as he feels less and less tenable. This needs reiterating in as many different fora as possible, and as often as possible.
So 5Live’s Alan Green has been at it again, having a spat with a fellow co-commentator and demanding his removal. While the BBC has been at it again, acceding to Green’s every wish. Why?
I know I’m not up for any originality awards. Articles about Alan Green’s favourite football commentator appear every now and again…and again and again.
One of his ‘special’ talents is his ability to start an argument in an otherwise empty room when even he’s not in it (the radio has to be on and tuned into 5Live – for the hard of lateral thinking).
And another is to have more words written about him than he says himself, some achievement for a man who makes a living talking for chunks of twenty two & a half minutes plus stoppage time at one hit.
Yet amongst all the verbiage he inspires, only rarely does the telling phrase appear: “Alan Green is not a very good radio football commentator.”
His latest spat came during the otherwise non-event of a Slovenia friendly. He said something along the lines of participants in the Mexican wave “should be shot” – a bit extreme and, for a national radio commentator, a bit of a stupid thing to say.
Colleague Graham Taylor said, in a jocular fashion: “You do say some stupid things sometimes, Alan” (inadvertently echoing the thoughts of half the nation). And Alan later warned Taylor, off-air, something along the lines of “Don’t call me, stupid.”
The spat made it impossible for the two to work together comfortably at the Croatia game. So 5Live listeners got Chris Waddle instead. Thanks, Alan.
But why demote Taylor? Why, every time Alan Green says “jump” does the BBC ask “how high?” This is far from the first time Green has been indulged by his nominal bosses.
In 2004, Green was censured by the media watchdog Ofcom for a crude racial stereotyping of Manchester United’s Eric Djemba-Djemba which the BBC labelled “irreverent banter” while highlighting Green as a “campaigning anti-racist.”
The latter would have surprised those who heard Green utter the mortal words: “Number 17 – that’ll be the Chicken Chow Mein, then” in reference to Chinese defender Sun Jihai” only a few months previously.
It was crude regional stereotyping next up, when he pondered aloud if film star Sylvester Stallone would have bricks instead of wheels on the limousine he had parked outside Goodison Park while he watched Everton play Reading a couple of seasons ago.
But let’s, for the sake of argument, dismiss the furore these incidents caused as “political correctness gone mad” or a manifestation of some anti-Green agenda. After all, the bricks instead of wheels gag appeared on “Have I Got News For You” soon afterwards without attracting anything like such opprobrium.
Everton v. Reading contained a prime example of Green’s downright unprofessionalism. After a lifeless first quarter to the game, Green took the microphone and said: “Got any paint?” before taking nearly two minutes to set up the obvious “I’d rather watch it dry” gag.
In itself, little more than irritating, except that Reading went one-up in the meantime, and we had to rely on the summariser to describe Joleon Lescott’s inadvertent contribution to the Royals’ ‘goals for’ column.
Similar scenario play out quite a lot when Green is on the mike. “What happened there?” could easily be his catchphrase – and not in a rhetorical, Fred Trueman “I don’t understand what’s going off out there” sense, which relatively endeared him to cricket followers.
So bad, is Green, the joke goes, that he has to ask Graham Taylor what’s going on, although it is a line that relies on the misleading “Do I not like that” and “can we not knock it?” image of Taylor from his unhappy days as England manager – Taylor is an accomplished pundit who knows exactly what is going on.
So too Jimmy Armfield, who is frequently called upon to explain to the listener what has just passed Green by. And even Mark Lawrenson, otherwise employed solely to laugh at Green’s jokes, has to fill in the blanks from time-to-time.
Green was in full “what happened there?” mode when Manchester United tried a trick corner move against Chelsea at Old Trafford last season. At first, to be fair to him, he was joined by most everyone else; not least Chelsea’s back four. But even as he returned to commentary for his second-half stint, he was professing ignorance, despite his co-commentator’s (Mike Ingham’s?) patient explanation of the ‘trick.’ Almost as if he’d been so wrapped up in himself that he didn’t care to listen to anyone else.
More serious misdemeanours have also gone unsanctioned. While other journalists covering England’s Wembley encounter with Kazakhstan last year were there to cover Friday’s pre-match preparations, Green was allowed to travel to the game on the Saturday, not feeling the need for such trivialities as research.
As a result of being exempt from what was a requirement for other BBC personnel, Green…MISSED…THE…FIRST…HALF, because his plane had been held up in fog. His punishment for this downright unprofessionalism? Answers on a blank sheet of paper.
So why is he indulged? Apparently, it is because he is so controversial and outspoken. A refreshing, unpredictable voice among the bland leading the bland. He is “not afraid” to “tell it like it is.” And he provokes debate.
Much of that was true. Little of it remains so. Accusing referees of trying to be the centre of attention is less controversial, more a potential dictionary definition of ‘irony.’ And it’s the same “isn’t this dreadful?” shtick every game. So that’s “refreshing” and “unpredictable” out of the window.
And while he may provoke the debate, that ultimately provokes as many people to turn the BBC off as tune in specially, making his net effect zero, in which case he may as well be one of the “bland” who lead the “bland.”
And none of them can regularly miss goals, dabble in casual racism, turn up 45 minutes late for World Cup games and dictate commentary policy, like Green can.
Like I say, there’s nothing original about criticising Green. But that’s no reason to shy away from the task. Green is very well paid to do his job. And in a highly competitive media environment, subject to crucifying budgetary limitations, the continued employment of what many see as a self-centred, incompetent, borderline racist such as Green is plainly unacceptable. This needs reiterating in as many different fora as possible, as often as possible.
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It’s rumoured that Mark Saggers left the station to join Talksport, where he does an excellent job, because of Green.
5Live continue to labour under the misapprehension that Alan Green is in fact ‘Greeny’, a man who fans know like, respect and empathise with. It’s a longer-lasting version of the same problem you can see with their ludicrous notion that Lovejoy is someone who has any opinion or talent of note, and the Spoony could be considered authoritative.
Self opinionated, self important and thouroughly irritating.
Horrible bloke, a real “turn off” for me in every and all respects.
This irritating little man is the ONLY reason I no longer listen to Radio 5 Live commentary.
Until the BBC do something about him, they will continue to hemorrhage listeners at an alarming rate.
Couldn’t agree more with your piece (or for that matter with John). Alan Green has outgrown his usefullness and should not be farmed out to the radio home of the self opinionated, self important and thoroughly irritating bores namely Talksport
Have to agree with all the above. I want professional commentary, not someone going off on one and missing the actual action.
A real shame that Graham Taylor got bumped too, as he shows far more insight than most – why back Green against a former England manager with bags of insight?
Listening to Alan Green, TalkSport doesn’t seem so bad in comparison.
Agree with all of the above. I am no longer willing to listen to anything with which he is involved. Not sure why the BBC allows him to promote himself to the detriment of listener enjoyment. Also, slightly off topic, who else feels patronised by the non-live commentary on the MOTD highlights,……..just seconds remain, I wonder if Chelsea can maintain their 100% record by scoring right at the end of the game….oh, they have!
I switched to Talksport when Mark Saggers left Five Live….and d’you what….I’ve started to enjoy listening to the radio again. Try the Saturday or Sunday breakfast programme from 8am till midday. And the midweek even show isnt bad either. Dont know who’s running Five Live, but they clearly know nothing about sport….
alan green is an unproffesional, oppinionated, idiot, hes a blatent liverpool supporter and is biast its about time we stoped listening to this fool.
Slightly dissagree, if only because there is no one else really outstanding covering English Football. There is maybe a bigger issue that in the run up to the World Cup, R5L’s coverage does sound a bit tired & dated.
By the way, for my money the best radio comentator in the country is Radeo Scotland’s David Begg, none of your 22.5 minutes a half for anyone comentating on Radio Scotland.
I’ve not been a fan of Alan Green for a long time now, and I’m even less of a fan of him doing 606 (which to be fair I only listened to at all last season because of Danny Baker doing the Tuesday slot) where he is rapidly becoming a parody of himself – deliberately misunderstanding points in order to stir up arguments and rubbishing those who have called in as often as not, based on what I heard over the weekend. It seems to becoming an increasing problem on 5 Live at the minute, listening to Sportsweek via podcast earlier I was struck by how Garry Richardson’s “I’m the Jeremy Paxman of Sport” schtick is sounding more and more tired, especially when he’s asking questions which no-one in their right mind would expect the likes of say Max Mosley to answer simply because of the danger of prejudicing matters; it’s no longer pressing and insightful, it’s dull dull dull….
As for who would follow – who knows? Football is however being covered in more places and by more people than ever before – pretty much every FL side offers full match commentaries on the website (for a fee of course), local radio stations are picking up rights lower down the tree as well, so there should be no problem finding talent. I would suggest that John Murray seems to becoming the heir apparent at the moment – I at least find him far more palatable than the hectoring Alan Green.
It’s interesting to see 606 invokerd because After Danny Baker was thrown off that programme years ago, the BBC witlessly replaced him with people like Richard Littlejohn, apparently unable to see the huge difference between somebody who, becaue they had a lot of opinions, often provoked, and somebody who provoked as a matter of course.
Every so often, there’s a big fuss because somebody on the radio or telly, perhaps in the Gaunty mould, goes too far and ends up losing their job. I almost always have the same response, which is that the people who employed them precisely because they were provocative should lose their jobs too. Oddly, this hardly ever happens.
Slow news week this week? Yes, Green is a **** but aren’t there many greater issues more worthy of 200% contemplation than this trifling buffoon. That said, Mike Sewell really should be given his chance.
Damon,
You’re right. But I think 200% has contemplated them all- or shortly will.
I was just writing a few words on the trifling buffoon as part of my therapy – every time I hear him do something like the incident with Graham Taylor, I think my head will explode if I don’t get to a keyboard in time.
And LAST NIGHT, he lambasted the match officials for missing the “fact” that Arsenal’s second goal was “clearly offside.” And whaddya know? It was onside but should have been disallowed for a blatant handball which Green…missed.
Sorry, Damon, my therapy again.
I totally agree with everything that has been said in this post.
The main problem that I can see is that Alan Green is constantly trying to be the voice of the average fan. By this, we end up with a borish commentary about referring errors and how what is on offer is simply dross.
Green never offers any insight and, as pointed out, often gives the impression that he’s not actually following the action.
All in all, he manages to offer the same recurring one liners that we hear from football fans(most of which don’t have a clue about the game itself) across the depth and breadth of the country. It’s by providing a voice to these, let’s call them what they are, morons, that has made 5Live unlistenable.
On a different but related note: One of my highlights of last season was when a Liverpool fan called 606 with Danny Baker to complain about the referee. Danny gave him about 30 seconds before pointing out that this was boring and that he didn’t want to listen to him before switching him off. If only they could do that more often as there are far more interesting stories in the world of football than whether Rooney was onside or not.
I’ve done very occasional commentary at university for sporting occasions (including the European Championships in Ultimate [Frisbee] in 2007, when it took place on the university’s sports complex) and although I never rated myself as a particularly good commentator, as long as Alan Green has a job I start to wonder if I should be working in radio too.
Sorry Mark, I know what you mean. Start the campaign for Sewell. Green Out.
He should be repatriated to wherever he came from… I used to like him, however, since his rise to stardom status he has become a really boring old hack..still refuses to admit his love for everything that comes out of Anfield..a breeding ground for most things foreign. He now totally lacks objectivity…and I as a licence payer who is unable to afford Sky.. hope he get’s moved on to comentate on Linfield v Colraine and the like…..
Great blog post and thank you for saving me the time, trouble and mental torture of trying to put into words how Alan Green’s commentaries make me feel. He is an idiot and should be relieved of his duties immediately.
Maybe Notts County can hire him to do their exclusive commentaries?
There are plenty of decent commentators on 5Live. I know that because I DON’T remember their names, which is how it should be, just like referees.
Alan Green has an entry in Michael Henderson’s recently published ‘50 People Who Fouled Up Football’.
Quoting the author…
“There is no joy in English football today, and little dignity. The game is richer to the tune of many billions, yet it is poorer in spirit… Football has been shamed by people who do not hold its best interests at heart.”
Alan Green is described as ‘a man who speaks almost exclusively in capital letters’.
Alan Green is one of the best things about the BBC i’m not surprised about the Graham Taylor incident listening to that boring clueless idiot who can’t pronounce players name would drive me to insanity, he and David Pleat should never be allowed to commentate..VIVA ALAN GREEN
Did anyon else listen to Five Live’s 606 show on Saturday 5th Decmber 2009.I couldn’t believe my ears when Mr Green asked a Manchester City fan why she didn’t ” put her two boys down at birth” when she informed him that they were Manchester United fans.This proves to me that Mr Green is nothing more than an ignoramus. Why do the BBC put up with this racist bigot.I am a taxi driver and rely on Five Live for commentry on football matches. Unfotunatly when Mr Green is commentating I have no choice but to listen to any other radio station ( sometimes it’s so bad that I listen to Gardening Question Time on rado 4). On a serious note though I use to look forward to listening to England games on radio 5 but for a long time now Mr Green has made it a challenge to listen to. His commentry is nothing more than rant filled with naff boring jokes, but worse than thatr Green is like a poisonous puff adder especially when commentating anytime David Beckham is playing for England. I could of started this blog with a bigotted rant and just called him a “W**k Stain” but I have tried construtive critism and I feel I have been more than fair. I will now sum it up BBC get rid he’s a wrong un.
I genuinely hate this man with a passion. How he can dismiss callers at a whim when they dare question him about his pro-Liverpool leaning is shocking! He hero worships Gerrard, case in point no longer than half an hour ago during the Liverpool home defeat to Arsenal “How dare N’Gog get in the way of Gerrard!?”. Furthermore, on the 05 December 606 during a conversation with a Newcastle fan, discussing Liverpool’s 5-1 win last season, the Newcastle fan mentioned the game and rather than taking a neutral perspective of “what a great game/performance” Green spurts out “WHAT A GREAT WIN THAT WAS!”, confirming the long-held suspicion that he is a Liverpool fan. He is free to support whoever he wants, but I don’t understand how he can continually get away with being so biased in his ‘analysis’.
I don’t understand how the BBC can get away with having Liverpool fans or past players in the primary positions of football coverage. For the last few years now in the Merseyside derby listeners have to contend with Green coupled with Mark Lawrenson, followed up by Alan Hansen on MOTD or MOTD2. Again, with the Man Utd-Liverpool games it is always Green who commentates, usually supported by Lawrenson, and I cannot stand to listen to his ramblings during these games. How about a bit of balance? Why does Green automatically get the pick of the top games? How about everytime he offends/annoys/dismisses his listeners the BBC take the example of referees who have poor performances – relegate him to the Football League show for a fortnight so he can see how grateful he should be for being in such a privellaged position as to be paid to watch football for a living!
He is so quick to offer his ‘divine’ opinion on all aspects of the game – most of which are pathetically opinionated – but whenever he is questioned or challenged on his favouritism he simply disconnects them!! I personally do not care how bored/annoyed/appalled/disappointed Green is with whatever element of the game or atmosphere he has chosen to pick up on – I tune in to listen to commentary of the game and professional analysis, not this spoilt, deluded little ‘man’ litter the airwaves with his horrible, horrible ramblings.
I thought I was alone in my frustration at listening to Alan “The T***” Green. I now turnover as soon as the muppet comes on. Some of the great BBC commentators who have preceeded him must be turning in the proverbial.
He just does not have any understanding of football.
Is there a website or blog one can sign up for to get the BBC to get him removed.
regards
Pete M
Alan Green is a clever man. He infuriates those of the public with brains because he is an idiot. He charms the terrace tossers because he is one of them. He hates referees because he is from a part of the world the despises any form of authority. Alan Green should be removed from any form of broadcasting because he is a danger to the free thinking of young people.